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dearest mommy, dearest dad

you must be wondering why my grades are low, and you must have realized by now it may have something to do with the fact that i don't tend to attend class. i have reasons. i do!
1) i'm busy. with all the time it takes to attend school-mandated drug and alcohol workshops, there is veritable little to no time left for me to do homework! thats right ma, pa, your little girl is finally growing up. if i don't go to class, i don't know about the homework. if i don't know about it, it doesn't exist. i can sleep easy at night knowing i've fulfilled my obligations to the school and its policies, and to myself, knowing that i haven't blatantly ignored any assignments.
2) there are alot of frat kids in my psych class. did you know that just by looking into the eyes of any fratty, there is a 67.9 percent chance of becoming impregnated? and that's just the eyes. did you send me to school, on your hard earned dollar, to carry the child of mister jock-o-rama, invariably neglecting my studies to perform other menial tasks such as oh, i don't know, puking when i wake up and gaining 78 pounds eating ice cream and cheese toast at 4 in the morning? i doubt it. i'm doing this for you.
3) thinking makes my head hurt. if my head hurts, i get cranky and am liable to lash out irrationally at any time. if i'm unstable like that, how am i going to make any friends? think of it as a social defense mechanism.
and i mean really, what good is class, when i could be staying up all night and going to strip clubs at 2:30 in the morning? i'd rather go out in a blaze of glory, in the lusty lady. and i wouldn't trade it for a 3.8 GPA or a working knowledge of systems of derivation.

so my grades have dropped like a prom dress on, well, prom night. only not as fast and not as slutty.

it's really not a big deal.

you understand, you went to college. oh wait. no, you didn't.
well you WOULD understand, i'm sure.
wait no.
you wouldn't.
i'll understand then, when you cut off my money and possibly my left arm.
with fondest wishes, your devoted daughter,
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