The 10 Commandments of Driving in Seattle
by Steele, SeattleSucks.com founder
1. The standard driving speed is 5 mph under the speed limit, except during periods of rain or snow, in which case the standard is 10 mph over the speed limit.
2. When merging on the freeway, drivers should activate their turn signal and frantically look over their shoulder while slowing. Under no circumstances should drivers speed up to match current traffic conditions. Bonus points for actually coming to a stop while on an onramp.
3. When approaching a green light, slow in case it turns yellow. Your best case scenario is to slowly continue through the light as it turns red with your brake lights on so traffic behind you is forced to stop.
4. Right of way at four way stops is determined by who makes eye contact first. Should the drivers make eye contact simultaneously, both should then creep forward while waving the other to go. If the right of way can still not be determined, both drivers should get out of their cars and ask the nearest pedestrian.
5. Use of the horn (a sound-making device activated by pressing a button on the steering wheel) is not allowed in the city of Seattle under any circumstances.
6. When confronted with the need to merge from a lane of fast moving traffic to a lane of traffic that has backed up, drivers should stay in their lane and drive to the very front of the backed-up lane (usually an exit), come to a complete stop, activate their signal, and wait for someone to let them in.
7. In the event a driver passes an accident or disabled vehicle, they should reduce their speed by 50% for the next 2 miles. In the event a driver encounters a police car, they should brake abruptly, reducing their speed from 5 mph under the speed limit to 15 mph under the limit.
8. Red lights are a great time to finish paperwork, make phone calls, drink coffee, etc. However, it is considered courteous to wrap things up when cars start pulling around you.
9. The preferred vehicle in Seattle is a Sports Utility Vehicle, ideally a BMW, Cadillac or Mercedes model. However, under no circumstances should these be used for anything other than hauling groceries home from the supermarket.
10. Avoid all public transportation, carpools and alternate ways of commuting. Elect public officials who study transportation options endlessly but build stadiums instantly. Gut transportation funding through initiatives and vote no on any tax increase or project. Complain endlessly.
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